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01:29am 20/11/2009 |
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1. Are you a “pantser” or a “plotter?” I think I'm mostly a plotter. However, some of the time I let the plot sort of write itself, so it's more or less spontenous or unplanned plotting. 2. Detailed character sketches or “their character will be revealed to me as a I write”? I have a mini binder with all character profiles, maps, timelines, all the 'components' of my story. However the characters do reveal themselves as I progress. Sometimes I don't even create their profiles until after I've begun writing them.3. Do you know your characters’ goals, motivations, and conflicts before you start writing or is that something else you discover only after you start writing? Not always. Overtime, the characters develope and reveal more about themselves. 4. Books on plotting – useful or harmful? IMHO I found them to be harmful. Sometimes my best ideas happen when I just sit back and let the story write itself. 5. Are you a procrastinator or does the itch to write keep at you until you sit down and work? I'm definately the writer that gets the itch and wants to work all the time. Somedays I feel really guilty if I don't. I call it the 'writers disease'..I have a very severe case of it.6. Do you write in short bursts of creative energy, or can you sit down and write for hours at a time? Depending on the plot, it fluctuates. The longest I worked continously for was 3hrs. But then again in some way or another, I'm always working on my story...through people watching, thinking up ideas, dreaming up new senarios, aquainting myself with new characters...so I guess technically I'm working all the time.7. Are you a morning or afternoon writer? I'm more of an afternoon/evening writer. Thats when I usually get good ideas and have undisturbed time for hours on end. 8. Do you write with music/the noise of children/in a cafe or other public setting, or do you need complete silence to concentrate? I definately like background noise and music. Its very hard for me to concentrate in complete silence...then I get more distracted. 9. Computer or longhand? (Or typewriter?) I'm dependant on my computer. Its more organized for me and more convienent. I used to work long hand..however the pages would get ripped, people intercepted them..it wasn't pretty. I'm definately glad to have this computer.10. Do you know the ending before you type Chapter One? Yes I have some ideas about the ending....which is why I have yet to reach it. I'm always having new filler scenes pop up and keep my mind busy.11. Does what’s selling in the market influence how and what you write? No, I mean I like seeing whats out there, but it doesn't really effect my writing at all. I already know that the ideas I have are very..different and the way I write is different.12. Editing – love it or hate it? Ehh not exactly the most fun part of the writing process, however it is necessary. Though it is to do a compele rewrite of a section and see how they differ.Bonus questions 13. Why do you want to write? Because I love it! I started writing at 14 because I had no escape. I had alot of trauma as a child and writing was a way in which I could get my feelings out. I do that in a journal form nowadays, however I creatively write for pleasure, for need, for fun, for the general love of it. It's something I'm passionate about, in which I could do wherever I am in life...as long as there is a blank paper, open mind and something to write with.14. Do you want to publish your work? Why? To be honest if I ever do finish my series, I would maybe publish just one copy...for my own records and use. I'm not ready for everyone else to step into my world just yet. Alot of ME is revealed through my writing and it's not exactly something I'm willing to share yet. Maybe when I'm much older and less self concious, but for right now..I have to finish my work.15. Do like to write alone or do you like to work with other? Why? Both....it's fun blending ideas with another person. I've had a great experience so far and can't wait to see how it ends up. Writing alone is great too, because sometimes you just need to be present with your own ideas.mood:  thoughtful music: The Fountain soundtrack |
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| Update 11/2 |
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06:20pm 02/11/2009 |
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Wow it's been such a long time since I last updated. Geez it makes me feel like some sort of slacker. I've honestly been pretty busy and my mood has been one big rollercoaster. Well right now, I'm playing the 'ole find a decent job' game which is no walk in the park if you ask me. Last week, I drove all around Binghamton, Johnson City, and Vestal, hitting up any place that would even CONSIDER having a massage therapist and honestly maybe 5 out of 15 people actually let me hand in my resume. I had one interview last week, however apparently I wasn't good enough for the job, but in all honesty the job wasn't good enough for me. They didn't get alot of clients, I would have only been paid based on commission and I only got 20% of my actual earnings..which would have gotten old fast and just not enough. I mean after the interview I felt alright because it went well, but then as time went by I started getting worried about it. Eventually, as of last night, I recieved an email that i was turned down. In all honesty I knew, based on this thing I did on Halloween night, but that's besides the point. So once again, this week I have to peddle my resume, waste a whole lot of gas, and be turned down for most of them. Seriously I think I'd have better luck as a model or actress. At least, then my resume shows that I have actual experience in the field. However if I were to do that....I'd probably be disowned. Trust me I've been down that road. A couple years ago, I was REALLY considering going to an acting conservatory in NYC and was this() close ot going. Don't get me wrong massage is definately the way to go and of course once I get established I can get back into the theater world. But I must admit, somedays I think back and wonder how my life would have been different if I took that course and went to the theater school. But for now I can't think back...it's best to think forward and strive for the best. I know I've probably mentioned this on here, but I've notice that I am very much attracted to the open most likely freelance and sometimes 'unstable' career paths. You know like any sort of performance, music, art, writing, choreography, directing....even massage. I've noticed that alot of my fellow classmates have been starting their own businesses. I wouldn't mind doing that and actually I'm interested in almost combining all of the theatrical stuff and massage....performance massage. Basicly I would go to dance comps, skating comps, theater productions, music productions and give brief massages to people before they go on stage. I'd do a combo of stretching, KAM, shiatsu and energy work in order to get the person ready, focused and enthused. And honestly it would make decent money...think about it. Most comps are 3 days long and say I get 10 people a day. If I only charge 10 dollars per person then I'd be getting 300 dollars per gig. My only set back is traveling, but honestly I'm willing to get out and see the world. Periodically I could take buses or trains from one place to another...so it wouldn't be impossible. I just have so many creative ideas...but I'm limiting myself because the folks think I should get a more full time...typical job. Typical just isn't my thing though. Other than job stuff, I've been writing as usual and as often as possible. Seriously I think I'd be on the road side if it wasn't for my journal...and music. The combination of them have been so therapeutic and comforting. I've even done an activity where I would play different pieces of music and freewrite. You'd be surprised on how different my ideas are when effected by music. I think I may do that after I'm finished writing in here. Halloween was great! I got to play a hanged woman in our 3rd annual haunted house and boy did I scare the *** out of people. It was alot of fun! During that time we also had a party with my dad's side of my family...so it was fun socializing with them. I had a few glasses of this really delicious wine called 'Diamond'. We bought it from our wine tour and it tasted really good. Afterward, I took a warm bath and I swear I felt like 'Carrie White' via turning the bath water red from all of the fake blood I had on. Then at night I did some Spiritual rituals honouring Samhain...Pagan New Year. I played with tarot cards and that's how I found out that I wasn't going to get that job. Tarot cards have been frighteningly accurate recently though I think it's due to me storing them in my 'memory drawer', It's were I keep all of my signifcant memorials such as diplomas, yearbooks, playbills from shows I was in, photos, various objects, special birthday cards and most recently my NY massage therapy registration...so i'm thinking the cards absorbed some of that personal energy. Honestly i've been very spiritual lately when it comes to honouring those Gods/Goddesses that are special to me. They feel like their my family and I feel the need to speak, honour and recognize their presence. I apologise to my non pagan friends...it's just how I've been feeling recently. I suppose that's all the news I have for the time being. Later:-) mood:  blah music: nothing right now |
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| One of my insomnia nights |
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12:13am 17/09/2009 |
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I have a feeling it's gonna be one of those nights where I'm not going to fall asleep until 2 or 3. Seriously, thats a standard bedtime for me. For the most part, I've accepted the fact that I was an insomniac and just sort of adjusted to it. In my opinion, as a writer, I sometimes get my best ideas at 1AM...don't ask me why. Actually it may be due to not having to worry about daily matter...iike whether I'm getting my test results or what I have to do. Normally at 1Am, I'm prone to my creative side which I mean is always going, but I'm just more open to it. Some nights, I feel there is nothing better than getting cozy in bed, with a warm drink next to me and letting my imagination and creativity take over. Almost like I'm in some sort of trance abd when I read it over the following morning..I often feel the whole 'what was I thinking' effect. That's why I'm live journaling at this hour, because Im trying to open up my creative side and rely on that for a while. I'm 1 or 2 chapters away from being finished with my 1st draft of Pt one of my series. If I buckle down, it could be done by tomorrow if I wanted it to. Course the editing process isn't all that lovely and should be a tedious task, however I'll just be glad to at least have part 1 finished. It'll be a nice achievement by my birthday. Already I have my presents all picked out and ordered...at least from my parents. Basicly, I got two very lovely shirts(that I found today), a butterfly necklace, and sixteen new essental oils. Essential oils, you may ask? Honestly, it all started in massage school and I've loved them ever since. I am all about scents and with a strong belief in them, essential oils can do alot. I don't know it makes me feel magical. Like in one of my favorite movies 'Practical Magic', one of the main character manufactures soaps and bath oils. With the correct blends, essential oils could help remedy any sort of medical condition. Its proven that my headache blend actually works...as does my sore throat one. Maybe with my new ones, I'll make cremes, a new bath salt, and perhaps different forms of blends. Twelve thirty and honestly my eyes are the only part of me thats tired. Obviously my mind is still racing and jumping from one thought to the next, My ankle is still sore from when I nicked it with my razor...more than once. In normal cases Im quite the bleeder, but having cut my ankle crease...it just wont stop and really sore. How could one little cut produce so much blood? My legs are also sore because I went skating for the 1st time in 3 months. I had to, I was going to go crazy if I didn't. Honestly, I am so glad that I did. My skills are still at their proper level and my double sal is once again sooooo close to being landed properly. Seriously, my friend gave me the best advice...and she didnt even skate much prior to then. It's all about the thought process as well as the physical motions. Instead of consintrating on the landing, think about going up and really taking time. Ever since I started doing that, my double sal has been so close that I could taste it. Maybe I try and go once more before my birthday...just for my own purposes. Oh well, I think I'm going to work alittle more on my series...maybe read. Later:-) mood:  insomniac music: 'Gumption''-the Holiday |
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05:28pm 09/09/2009 |
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Today was the first day of school for the sibs and celebration day for my parents. Well, not exactly. My dad doesn't like the fact that he has to get the kids up at 6:30. In general it is very hard to get my brother up anytime before 11. So, my dad always has a fun time trying to get him up for school. I remember first days of school always being exciting because you found out who was in your class, met your new teachers, and one grade older. I remember my first day of massage school was one of the most surreal days of my life. It wasn't your average 1st day of school in fact pretty much the whole day consisted of team building/bonding activities. I remember that I went from one group of people to an entirely different one..a couple times actually. I remember even going for a walk in the woods and making friends that way. It was so surreal because it didn't feel like it was all in the same day. It was almost like the morning's events took place weeks ago. Strange huh? Now this year, I asked my brother how his first day went and he replied 'gay'..a.k.a he hated it. Its interesting because first days always hold some sort of nostaliga for people who are done with school. Bear in mind, I would never for all the money in the world go back to seventh or eighth grade. Those years were BRUTAL!!
So I am to believe that things will get alot better this fall season. I'm not sure why, but I feel strongly about good things happening. Though Im not sure how yr 24 could be better than 23...it's been one amazing yr...well except for the summer, but hey when things are low..they can only get better right? I'm done with ten of the things on my list. Though if all goes according to plan, I'll be done with two more tomorrow. Already I'm more or less than 3 chapters away from having part one done of my book/series. I'm actually glad that I rewrote the 1st part, it just flows so much better and gives the characters an even greater life. I've been searching for a part time job, however nothing yet. Hey this all has a purpose...maybe when the right job comes, I'll be perfect for it. I just wonder what it is and when will it happen. But for right now I still have a few hundred in my bank account and just won $75 more from a casino I visited today, so I'm alright...as long as Im careful with my money and keep searching. Plus if I publish my part 1, hey maybe I'll get a little extra cash. Plus now I've been into making jewelry and essential oil remedies, so maybe at some point I could sell them. For right now I'm doing okay and have great time to practice and freshen up my massage skills until I find out my test results and could legally practice. Though it must be hard for people with families and loved ones to take care of. But with this economy and everything...job searching is very hard. My mum is still unemployed, however she's very close to getting a job with an insurance company that pays well. But just in this area...good stable jobs are very hard to come by. Its more of a who you know than what you can do kind of thing. Which is very sad...but true.
I suppose thats all I have to say for now. I'm sorry to say, nothing all that new has happened in my life. Hopefully I'll have more to report on tomorrow.
Later <3mood:  good music: 'Misery's Business'- Paramore |
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| Last Day of Summer thoughts |
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12:32am 08/09/2009 |
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Well yesterday was offically the last day of summer. Of course, according to my dad, it's still summer if you could go swimming. I suppose he's right. Plus in my town, it really hasn't been much of a summer both weather and emotionally speaking. It was hard because most of my summer was dedicated to studying for the boards and missing school/people. Seriously it was a very hard transition and I have to admit at times I'm still struggling with it. My theory or analogy being a bird being let free only to be caged once again. I mean it was nice waking up whenever I felt on weekends or just sponteneously going out without having to worry about what the rest of my family thinks. I guess I just also liked the school environment where getting a job, money matters, and health insurance didn't really matter. Yes I am searching for a job currently, but it's just been hard. Either I can't find the job I'm looking for or the ones that are open just don't interest me. Yes I know it's a source of money, but right now I'm not going be seem desperate and just take a job that I know I wouldn't like. Good jobs are just really hard to find in this area. Unless I go freelance and more or less create my own jobs. Meanwhile I've been feeling lonely and missing the things I used to do. Like being involved in theatrical productions or the skating club...but I CANT not until I find a stupid job. Meanwhile my sister is doing all sorts of performing which is like teasing a dog with a treat. Seriously they may not even mean to, but it seems like my parents are dangling it in my face and it's just cruel. I do have things all to my own like skating and writing. Skating is something I can do without being part of the club. Infact I'm planning to skate tomorrow for $2 during lunch and have some degree of fun. Hopefully it will go well and I can finally put my programmes to ice. I don't know I think overall the hardest part about this summer was not having legitamate friends to talk to and be around. It's hard because with one of my friends, you know their fun to be around, but it's hard to talk about serious issues because they seem rather aloof about it. And my other ones in town are in their own little bubbles and unfortunately I've be casted out of it. I miss my Ithaca friends, but even they don't seem to want to talk or email me. GRR and the sad thing is, I don't like being a loner. I like having the balanced social life...not a loner and not constantly bothered. I don't know maybe there is something I'm doing wrong...I just wish I knew what. But that was the summer, hopefully autumn will be a whole lot better. After all something bad is bound to be followed by something good! mood: thoughtful music: Crystal-Stevie Nicks |
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| Various Thoughts...mostly writing related |
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07:39pm 03/09/2009 |
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It's September 3rd and I have offically done 7 out of the 24 things on my list. Not bad so far! My problem is that most of the things either take place in Ithaca or writing related. The creative masterpiece..aka number 24 will be actually self publishing a book..eee! Basicly what Im doing is splitting my supernovel into a series and really cracking down on getting part one finished, editted, and ready for self publishing. Stupid 'D'! It's still hanging there on my keyboard like a loose tooth ready to fall off at any second. I swear it's the writer's nightmare to have a keyboard malfunction. Anywho, that's my plan for the next 23 days. The reason why I have to finish writing it is because I originally wrote several chapters of part one using writing.com. I had this upgraded membership in which I basicly had an endless portfolio. Well that membership ended and all of my hard work was locked and eventually purged. Now that was years ago, so I'm sure it can stand some rewriting and a newer version now, since I know whats going to happen in the latter parts. So far I like it and basicly it follows the guidelines of the previous ideas. In other writing related news, so because I'm an insomniac...I often used to get bored with not being able to fall asleep and more or less fresh out of writing ideas. Well theirs a remedy....SIMS3. *trumpet fanfare* Yes basicly it's a virtual dollhouse where you create people, design houses and control their lives. Well I'm using that to create the world that my stories are set in and the characters that are in it. So it's almost like making a visual version of my characters and bringing them to life. Except magic doesn't really exist in the Sims world. To be honest, the silly time waster of a game has really helped me with ideas. Infact my main character in my super novel/series was based on a girl I created on a sims game. She started out as a girl named Victoria with brownish red hair and smoky brown eyes and evenutally grew into Katiaya(really not sure how I created the name) with brown/red hair, deep green eyes that eventually turn smoky brown and destined to be a sorceress. It's amazing where ideas orignate. This is just a side thought..but earlier today I got thinking about myself and how I'm drawn to more freelance, 'unstable' careers...basically anything artistic/creatively related. Here I am waiting for my test results and currently holding two options...A) Get a part time job or B) Yes I do want a part time job, but something unpredictable and seemingly unrealistic, but very open to creativity. As I thought further into these options and looked at my life...I've come upon this conclusion...I'm bored with both the expectations of society and falling back into my 'old' life. I mean sure my 'old' life was alright, but after experiencing different lives and customs...mostly Ithacian which is borderline hippish/artsy..I'm just not into falling back into a Binghamtonion life. I think I more or less found myself as a person while I was in Ithaca because the people as a whole were more laid back, music was praised, beauty, nature and creativity was worshipped and I just fit right in. Like I said a couple times upon arriving it was like the sky was painting itself blue and it was welcoming me back. It's really hard to explain., but it was as if my perfect world was partially manifested. So why wouldn't a person who loves writing, theater, art, dancing, music and all that sort feel at home there and empty when thrown back into their old lives? Upon thinking of all of this..my mind somehow circled back to writing and my great passion for it. Since I was 14 yrs old, writing was such an important aspect of life for me. Of course at that age, my stories were more of a journal and made NO sense whatsoever to the point where my folks even thought there was something WRONG with me. My only problem is that if I do bottle feelings up and not get them out...I tear myself apart inside...and then eventually explode outward. Now I write for the love of it and honestly, I don't see myself ever stopping. My crazy unrealistic ambition is to someday see my stories go to the big screen or tv series...because thats how I see and write it as. The ideas come to me in dreams and in movie/concrete form...and viola I write it. So the SIMS which is a time waster to most people is actually a working research/idea forming tool for me. Just like doll playing was when I was younger. I'm even using the brilliant Mr King's idea and establishing a concordance..which is a binder where you keep all character profiles, plot ideas, drawings, historical stuff, family trees, all that technical stuff for later use and reference. He mentions it in 'Misery' and I've found the idea really appealing. I've been having a rather good time putting it together. It's a good organizational tool and once again a fun thing for an insomniac to do..hehe. Bottom line to all thiswriting, job, and Ithaca talk....is that everyone has something they want out of life. For some it's riches. Others fame. For others an endless social life. While others find having a good time as their purpose. For me, it's happiness. When I grow old and look back at life, I want to be satisfied and happy with it. I want to see the world, do my absolute best at everything, live with my heart, seek out my dreams, and just enjoy every moment. For me, money, a million friends, a mansion, etc are absolutely meaningless if you're not happy in the long run. But then it's based on the individual on what happiness really is. For me, it honestly isn't money or even being the most successful person, it's more the adventure, curiousity, creativity and mystery of the littlest things in life. I'm thinking after I complete my '24 things'...I'll make a list of 50-100 things I want to do in that year and really do them. Yes lists freak me out alittle, but not if they're fun and things that I really can and want to do. I had one for my time in Ithaca and was pleased with the results...hopefully the 24 things will be equally as pleasing. Okay I think I've rambled on enough for one night. Onto some creatve writing and then Sims!!! Later:-) mood: thoughtful music: 'So Close'-Enchanted |
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| IT'S OVER!!!!! |
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10:20pm 20/08/2009 |
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Alas, my NY state licensing exam is over and done with!!! What an experience today as a whole has been. First of all, I got myself up at 6:30 and got ready to depart for Ithaca by 7:45. It's an hour away, but I was riding with a couple people up to the site. So once again as I'm driving up to Ithaca, it's welcoming me back with blue skies and lots of sun. A good omen for a day like today! So anyway, driving up was smooth sailing and actually I didn't even think much on the test. Instead I was singing and sipping on my sweet tea...theraputic..I know:-/ So then I found my friends house rather easily and was greeted with alot of hugs and pretest jitters. Though I must say that it was very nice riding up to the testing site with two other people. I think if it were just me..I'd probably be having a nervous breakdown. So we arrive at the testing site...REALLY early and greet several other FLSMers with plenty of hugs. To be honest, I feel that the harderest part of the whole test was actually having to wait so long for the proctors to read the rules and administer them. I generally hate waiting, so you could imagine how I was feeling. The test itself wasn't nearly as bad as I expected! There were so many questions in which I was like laughing at how easy they were. Yes there were a handfull of rather challenging ones...but I expected ALOT more than just a handful. Judging by the number of ones that I absolutely was sure of...I think I passed. Yes I know I didn't get a perfect score, but hey...for the amount that I knew and got right...damn Im happy. I walked out of the room feeling very confident and overjoyed at the thought of it being over. And then the lot of us celebrated heavily and just enjoyed eachother's company. And then what a way to end the day then to drive from Ithaca to home in the ptich black. I figured..hey if I could survive a licensing exam...then I can drive in the dark no problem. So now what, you may ask? For the next few days...weeks even. I am going to enjoy every minite of the summer and early fall that I have back. I'm going to embark on my list...in which I told some peeps about...and just enjoy life. I did in Ithaca...why can't I here. Why should something as silly as location stop me?? We don't get the results until 8 weeks....so I might as well look postitive and continue with life. I also be constructive and try to find work...of course, but having my summer back is just a great feeling and I'd really like to enjoy it:-) Later;) mood:  sleepy music: 'You Belong with me'-Taylor Swift |
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| Just one of those days |
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03:28pm 19/08/2009 |
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It's the day before my licensing exam for massage therapy and oddly enough the school advised us not to study all that heavily today. I suppose they figured that if we don't know certain things today then they're either not worth remembering and wasting brain space on. Ughh but it's just one of those crappy days in which things just aren't going or feeling right. First of all, I got very little sleep last night, so I am exhausted!!! There was no tea in the cupboard when I woke up, so I had to settle for hot chocolate...which is good and all, but didn;t exactly hit the spot. I've had a severe lack of self motivation even though I did do some light studying. For some reason, an ant was hanging around me for like an hour on end. It even got to the point where he climbed up onto the swing I was on and just sort of stared me down without moving or anything. Strange behavior for an ant. Unless, it's an omen from the Guardians...which it very well could be. My hair feels all ratty and just annoying! And to make everything even more more...my 'D' on my keyboard decided to convienently break. It's still hanging there like a loose tooth threatening to break off at any given moment. So as you can tell things are not going very well. And you know, I've been trying to look on the bright side of things...but what's bright about a broken keyboard? I'm a writer, however am I going to deal with this? I mean despite my lack of motivation I did study and hot chocolate isn't so bad. I even texted a friend of mine who is taking the massage test, but in a different location. But these stupid little things are making this day sooo much worse. Increasingly worse! Yes I know when you have bad days things can only go up...but why must there be bad days at all? Grrrrrr! And I thought I'd spend a nice time doing some theraputic writing...but NOOOOO. I wish my annoying little sister would stop singing so loudly. One thing after the next....why'd I bother getting out of bed this morning??? mood:  AHHHH |
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| Freewriting on random thoughts |
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10:26pm 18/08/2009 |
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I like how I'm begining to make live journaling an everyday thing. It's not because I'm bored and have nothing better to do. Infact, it's quite the opposite. I like getting my thoughts and ideas out on paper or something concrete. It's not because I'm self centered and believe my ideas are brilliant. Instead, I like having something to look back on and read. I've probably mentioned many times before that my biggest fear is dying and years later having not one person remember me. Perhaps that's the secret, internal reason behind my love and need to write and be heard. That why if I wrote..even if I never got published...I would still have something left behind for people to find and read. There was a quote in 'Big Fish' which involved telling the same joke over and over, until one day that joke is finally funny and you pass it on...that's a way of becoming immortal. Well, what if a book or even an idea of mine were to be discovered 100 years from now and passed on from generation to generation? That way I'll never be forgotten and my memory will carry on and on.
I suppose I link being forgotten to the thought of being 'ordinary'. Being 'ordinary' or even following rules of 'the norm' are things that I strive to avoid. Instead I thrive upon being my individual self and coincidently more comfortable being 'strange' or 'different'. Think about it? Those were always the type of people who were never forgotten and pure geniuses contributing to the world through writing, creating and their ideas. I'm one of those people who challenge and question rules of the 'norm' in which many of those geniuses did. I mean hello..I'm convinced people could appear and vanish. I just think there is more to the world than what we're told and taught. Everything isn't linear. Science and logic cannot explain EVERYTHING. Why would we want everything explained to us...black and white? If that were to happen there would be no need for wonder, curiousity or imagination. We would all know everything and there would be no open door to creativity. Why am I linking this idea to the 'norm'? Well in today's society, we're very fast paced and need everything at our fingertips. If you have a question regarding baking a cake..for instance...you can tap in to the internet on your cell phone and viola you have an answer. So in actually it's 'ordinary' and 'normal' for people to have their ears or fingers perminately attached to a cell phone. Well, I'm not one of them. My cell phone serves one purpose...AS A PHONE. Sure I text once in a while, but nowhere near as much as my thirteen year old sister. My point being our society is losing the ability to create and even properly socialize because everything is becoming even more fasted paced and digitalized. Next thing you know we're all going to have built in nanochips that provide us with automatic care for oneself and all the information we will ever need. That why we'll have no reason to waste time using our brains because computers will do everything for us. Is that what the world is coming to?? Individual thought will be disallowed and replaced by hardwire and C drive memory. Ha, another idea for a short story. Why is it when I rant and quesiton the world, I always seem to come up with good story ideas? Oh well must be the writer's disease taking over. It's bound to happen when I'm freewriting like this and releasing whatever is going on in my head.
In regards to writing, I am planning to start some brand new snipets in which I've limited myself to a couple characters, ONE plotline and whatever details may follow. I have the worst time starting a piece and never finishing it. Novels are one thing...Super novels are definately a special case..but snipets should be short, sweet and completed within a couple pages. That way I could create a collect, find a way of internet publishing, and be able to call myself an actual author...whoohoo!!! Won't that be fun? For right now I need to get some heavy duty writing done. Pleass stay tuned for I may post some excerpts or ideas in this journal.
Later:)
mood: thoughtful music: Pokerface...don't ask |
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| A fun to do list |
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08:40pm 17/08/2009 |
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I've mentioned before how I felt that my summer was lost to studying for my licensing exam. Well, I've decided after that I'm going to have a blast! While thinking about this, I was able to conjure a list of things I REALLY REALLY want to do..and soon. So I call it:
24 Fun Things To do before 9/26(my birthday):
- Survive and pass my New York State Licensing exam(not fun, but it' vital)
- Go on a wine tour in the Fingerlakes
- Complete one of my snipets(short stories)
- Visit Buttermilk Falls, the lake, and Taughcannock Falls once again
- Go out dancing downtown..aka..girl's night out
- Actually sing at a karaoke bar
- Make my lucky tiger's eye into a necklace
- Make three new friends(anywhere)
- Take a trip to NYC
- Visit one of my FLSM friends(extra points for more than one)
- Try a Sonic Drink...(we just got a Sonic where I'm from and I'm very curious)
- Put either my 'Dream' or 'Halloween' programme to ice
- Get paid for giving a massage
- Begin an essential oil collection
- Either darken my hair or dye it dark red...(I'm serious this time)
- Eat a bag of real concord grapes or cherries
- Get one of my FLSM friends to visit here
- Read and finish a new book
- Go swimming in a waterfall
- Try the master cleanse(wish me luck with this one:-/
- Get a delicious smoothie from Collegetown bagels
- Give and recieve a kiss from a cute guy I don't know
- Climb a tree
- Create something incredible..to share with all the world
I know some of them are kind if lame. But bare in mind, I'm actually going to do these things and where I come from there isn't all that much to do. I have limited monitary resources...so the road trip across America will have to wait until Spring or summer. These are just simple..yet what I consider fun, cheap things to do. The birthday deadline is not because I'll be getting older...it's all just a number. It isn't going to change the way I am one bit. That just seems like the most logical option. This will all start the Friday after my test, so I look forward to this new fun adventure. mood:  creative |
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| T Day, book reviews, and brief movie reviews |
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11:18pm 16/08/2009 |
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Life has been going pretty good...yet chaotic. I am currently down to four days until my licensing exam for massage therapy! Strangely enough I'm feeling better and better about this test. First of all, I went to a fanominal school and was given loads of invaluable information. The teachers were fantastic and explained rather difficult concepts in an understandable and simplier way. Second of all, I'm not expected to know EVERYTHING! No one ever gets a perfect score. While it would be amazing if I did, I'm not that competitive enough to hope for that. I'm more and more accepting the fact that there is ALOT of things that I do know and a few things that I don't. We don't get an actual score..it's all pass/fail, so as long as I know MOST of the info and concepts..which I do, then I'll be fine. Third, I've been studying and taking many many practice tests and have been doing well on them. Some of the info is practically a gimme type of thing. For example..we're encouraged to write down Shiatsu Cycle of Tides...and any info pertaining to it..as soon as we get our test. So basicly any Shiatsu question will be alot simplier to figure out once I have at chart written. My biggest problem is actually reading the questions and making sure I choose the answet that I intend. I sometimes don't look at the letter and the wrong one down..when I actually do know the correct answer. Another being my eyes see only what they want to at times. A cure for that is to do the test backwards or read the question without looking at the answers and highlighting special key words. All in all, for being five days away, I feel pretty confident and to the point where I just want to get this overwith, passed and move on with my life. Right now during this period of...in between...I've been feeling bored with not being in school or working. I suppose I'm just the type of person that needs to be busy all the time. During this 2 month hiatus, I've done alot of studying and depending on my mood quite a bit of writing and reading. I've been reading a rather strange book called "Mirror of her Dreams." When I first purchased it, I found it to be strange and lost interest rather quickly. However during the passed few weeks, I've given the book a second chance and coincidently, I really like it. I think part of the reason why I like so much is that I sometimes could sympathize with the main character. Her name is Terisa and at times she doubts her own existance to the point where her apartment is bordered with mirrors. Sure I'm not that dramatic and I don't need mirrors all around my house for concrete proof. Though, there are times where I often feel like....almost imaginary. That I sometimes only appear when people want to see me. I'm always the good friend and will do things for them...so I guess an imaginary friend. But children grow out of them and move on with their lives and the imaginary friend disappears. I know it's impossible to think that I disappear, but there are definate times in which I feel invisible. That people can make me vanish and reappear at will...however I don't feel any different. Vanishing people...is she crazy, you may ask? I'm not crazy, however my mind is open to such thoughts and feelings. What if we actually do vanish at times,,,yet we don't know it. Hmm that sounds like a good short story idea. ..oh how I love getting such thoughts in my head!! But really truly open your minds and thoughts to such ideas. Sure maybe in the real world we don't vanish or there's no such thing as imaginary friends...but in the elaborate unseen world..there could be such things. Anyways, the main character of the book is convinced that she materializes at times and has nervous breakdowns just thinking of it. Of course, within the first chapter of the book, her life dramatically changes for the better and there's a huge fantasy adventure in store for her. My point being is that I found the book more appealing because I feel sort of sympathetic for 'Terisa'....and then continued to read it and was instantly drawn into the adventure and plot. I feel that there's another reason why I felt so won over by the book....the pacing and adventure. Once again I can sympathize with it, however in a different way. I've mentioned many times previously that I've suffered from the 'Writer's Disease'. Well part of if consists of me comparing MY work to anything I may read or see in movies. This time I compared my work to 'MIrror of her Dreams' and found a simular...yet at the same time, very different plotline. I liked the flow of it and may use it as a reference/influence for the pacing of my own writing. In other news, I currently saw three movies in one day. The first being the Disney classic 'Pinocchio' in which brought back many childhood memories. Bare in mind, I don't believe I had seen Pinocchio as a child and was very glad to discover that it was on tv. As soon as I started watching it, memories of various Disney songs and Disney's Halloween Treat(I don't know why) came into mind. The Disney songs..I can explain...I used to have a video collection of Disney sing a longs and one of them involved Figureo( the cat from Pinocchio) and Cleo(the fish). Immediately, my mind seemed to link back to that silly song and I've been singing it in my head ever since. Disney's Halloween Treat popped into my head when I was explaining to my little bro about the Disney classics...you know Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Mickey Mouse...all those old yet fantastic movies. When I was explaining it, I mentioned Fantasia which reminded me of 'Night on Bald Mountain'...which somehow linked to Disney's Halloween Treat. There is such thing, I found it on youtube:-) The next movie I saw was Julie & Julia with my friend. All in all it was a good movie...not my favorite, yet not terrible. I liked how alot of it centered around writing and getting published. All of the actors/actresses were great and their performances should definately be applauded..especally Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. My slight problem is that it was a tad predictable and the ending could have been alot better. But like I said it was a good movie...just not the best I've seen. Then when I came home, I found my family watching 'Coraline'...so I joined in. That movie was great! Another Tim Burton masterpiece!! It was cute, thrilling, funny, heart wrenching, and just enjoyable. It instantly reminded me of a play called 'Invisible Friends' which has a simular storyline....trust me, I've been studying a monologue from it. The characters in it were very unique..from Coraline to the cat. I'm a huge Tim Burton fan yet I didn't know what to expect from it. However after seeing it, I must say it's one of my favorites...maybe even just behind Nightmare Before Christmas. Great movie..I recommend it to everyone!! I suppose that's all the news I have for now! Goodnight:-) mood: happy music: Disney songs |
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| Imaginary Friend |
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10:50am 24/07/2009 |
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Who am I? What am I? A figment of the imagination In which people see when they want? They can shape and change me at their will. Like an imaginary friend that is visible at times Its more than just a kind of sixth sense I can speak too and others will hear. Only if they want. I know how to be a very good friend. When I sense lonely people who need one. But then what happens when Im not longer needed wanted Im casted away into the abyss. Invisible. Forgotten. mood: creative music: Faerie Dance |
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| AHHHHHHHHHHH! |
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05:08pm 09/07/2009 |
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I'm mad....mad at everything, every person, just plain mad! Once again Im feeling like no one gives a bloody shit about me. Ever since I've been home..yes nearly two weeks now...it's been no responses on facebook unless I initate it by literally begging people to get together, no calls, no personal emails, nothing! Its like everyone is in on this idea that if you just ignore me that I'll be forgotten and just go away. Tell me WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS IT THAT IM DOING W RONG? Because Im lost here. Honestly, am I indenial and completely disgusting to look at? Do I have green skin? Am I that undesirable that I don't deserve any sort of love and social life? Are people only hanging out with me because they feel oligated and feel bad? Im serious, I thought it'd be different since I've been back from Ithaca and haven't seen people...but NO. I can careless about the awkwardness..Im just really sick of spending every night alone at home wondering what it is Im doing wrong. I was so bored last night that I even went on a chat room...A CHAT ROOM and guess what 99% of the guys I talked to were horny bastards looking for one thing and one thing only. Do I really have to lower myself to that level? Even my mom was saying to me...has any of your friends tried that match.com or online dating sites? My mom said that! What is it am I doing wrong? Why can't I be everyone else and go out during the weekends, meet up for lunch with some friends, take funny pictures of all of us...I mean I had friends like that at massage school. Why is it no one around here is like that? I'm sorry...Im sorry that Im complaining like this, but part of the reason is because I was looking on facebook. I saw that those 'How well do you know me quizzes' are kind of fun to do and probably some or alot of my friends would get a kick out of taking it. So I made one...and had fun doing it. Mind you this was at 1 something yesterday afternoon. As of today at four...3 people have taken it. ONLY 3. 2 of them being my sibs. Umm okay, when I saw them for other people, there were loads of people who have taken it. It really hurt. It not only told me that people just didn't care about what I said, but they more or less blow me off completely. Gee thanks and they're people I call friends. Maybe I am over reacting and there will be a better turn out in a couple days. But it really mad me feel bad. So thats why Im mad and I highly dont none of my 'friends' will even bother asking why Im so grim. Guess I have to face this alone as always. Later mood: angry music: who cares |
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| Thoughts involving friends |
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07:43pm 07/07/2009 |
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So things are definately better with me. My mood isn't quite as low as it was last week, however I seem to miss being in school and all the people I've met. I really REALLY hope like they're not like my other friends and just seem to let me fade away. I've been trying to get back in touch with some of my high school friends and binghamton friends. But lets be honest it;s not the same. I saw one of my best friends last week cuz she needed some sympathy because her dog died. So we hung out, got some food, and chatted. It was fun and all, however I've noticed that she doesn't seem the least bit interested in my massage career or any of that sort. And no Im not being self centered and saying that I even want her to, because really I'm sick of the usual 'so what are you doing now?' types of questions. I like hanging out with her however for some reason it just feels sort of awkward. It's hard to talk to her about certain things because at some points its like she does even really care. And we just sort of end up doing hte same things over and over...almost like we're retrospecting. I don't know, since I've been away I've REALLY missed Karaoke night and dancing. Mind you not drinking till Im smashed, but playing off on whatever energy Im running on and having the time of my life through that. Now that Im back, I have the urge to feel that spark of life again...however it's just not..the same. My issue with this friend is that if she doesn't want to do something...she WON'T. Like dancing...she says she doesn't dance, so basicly that's a shot down to going downtown...where the music and spark of life could be ignited again. Maybe it's just the music I run on. No seriously, I remember always feeling that spark of life whenever there was music and dancing and lots of other people. So then after that night, I felt the need to be forward and contact my peeps from high school and try and get them together. I mean what harm could that do? Well it worked and the following night we went on an artwalk downtown. It was great! The art, the crowds of people, being downtown, the music playing from the bars and clubs nearby...also the live music that we heard at the Cyber. It was really alot of fun! Except for the awkwardness factor, that played between me and the group of them. Firstly, there was alcohol involved..so expect awkwardness. I didn;t drink much and was very pleased to find Arizona Iced tea in one of the art galleries...YUMMY. The reason why I feel that it was awkward was that we've more or less grown apart and I feel like we;re in two completely different circles. It's me...and then them. Also it was very hard to get a word in at some times, however once again I liked hanging out with them if it just wasn't for the awkwardness. I guess you get that after being out of high school for years and years and going off and doing you're own thing. Also a lot of them are moving near the same area...you've guessed it NYC. I dont know what it is about Binghamtonions wanting to come to NYC so bad..but Im glad I made a turn for the other direction...umm storybookville, Ithaca. After those two encounters, it made me really miss my new found school friends that I spent six lovely months with. It's been...what two or three weeks..and I miss them already? Whats wrong with me? I don't know, I just hope wherever they all are..that they're doing well and enjoying summer. That's the most and least I could hope for. And yet it's not even just my mates from school..it's alot of people...even some of the people at the karaoke bar that sang..or random people that I would see in the commons or at clubs. Some of them being people that I didn't even know or talk to...yet I miss them. Oh well, one of these days I have to take a ride up there anyway and peddle my resumes and HOPEFULLY get a job there. For now it doesn't even have to be Massage Therapy...just a nice paying job in which I can gain some money and be able to stay for good:-) mood: nostalgic music: The Entertainer....don't ask |
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| Feeling better! |
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01:19pm 02/07/2009 |
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Im under the impression that things are more or less looking up. Definately I was at my lowest of low points on Tuesday and I apologise for putting you all through that. Im not usually a whinner like that, it's just I was REALLY missing Ithaca and the happiness and thrills that it brought me. It's just hard going back to an ordinary life, when it felt like the passed six months were beyond amazing. But even then I had low points, There was this one day when NOTHING went right...I must have cried 6 times that day. It was just bad and yet the next day was looking up...then the next was even better. I think thats just how life goes in general. It's all like a giant rollercoaster..sure my Ithaca one didn't have alot of 90ft drops. And there were times were I was bored and just veggin and rather ashamed of myself for it, but thats bound time happen anywhere I go. Especally when the weather isn't so great or all your friends are busy or your just tired and sick. Im also pretty sure that once I get a little bit more of a structure to my day, I'll feel better too. Perhaps if I were to stay in Ithaca a couple more months, I would have gotten bored with that....which I highly doubt, but Im just saying. I've definately learned alot more about me as a person. First and foremost, I run off of postitive feedback and just overall positivity. I adore feeling loved, positive attention, flirting with guys, knowing things, and creating good ideas. However on the down side, if I dont get the positivity I need....things just start to plunge. Well Im sure thats alittle tmi for you all...Im not a nut, honest. Though I have to say that one of the best things that people have said to me was actually "You're not like anyone else I know.' They meant that in a good way and it meant alot to hear not one, but several people say that. I love being unique and having the ablitiy to impact people. I realize moving back home is an adjustment in itself and it will be this emotional rollercoaster. I mean it is just my first week home after living on my own for six months, how hard can I be on myself? Especally following something that was so good. And I can always go back and visit...trust me I know how to drive there. It's not like it's across the world from me.
So that was just my current feelings in more of a freewriting form. I honestly was just letting things flow out of my mind and out through my fingers. I got new highlights in my hair yesterday..however I've decided once summer ends and these babies grow out that Im going to do something more dramatic. There were pts during these passed few months were I did almost go pink...not bubblegum pink and not entirely...more like streaks of light pink. I may not do that now that Im back living with the folks, but I really do want to try something new. Maybe dark red because my eyes change from blue to green...and it may bring them out. But we'll see when the time is right. I've also noticed several hidden changes in me that are rather humerous to admit, but true. Firstly, I really don't like tv (this does not have to do with Ithaca, I've always been that way.) IMHO: It's a waste of time plus why do I even care about other people's lives whom I dont even know. The only shows that I kind of like are Family Guy and Ghost Hunters, but I just dont even bother to watch them regularily...Im busy doing other things. Since I've been home, I'd have to say that I haven't watched any of it. My tv in my room is unplugged and I really don't even want to get it working again. So that's change number one. Second, ever since I've been in Ithaca, I've reaiized I really dont like wearing shoes. Part of the reason is that we got to walk around in socks and barefoot in school, so I've been accustomed to not wearing them for six months. But even walking on pavement barefoot is something I tend to do more often. Thats one of my silly admitions. Third, Im no longer afraid of spiders...for the most part. In my apartment lived a family of daddy long legs and I just sort of gotten used to...even been amused by them. Because Im so strange, I even named them. I also had this bright red one who was stuck in my bathtub and for the life of him could not how figure out how to get out of it. hehe. It was actually really pretty. Im sure if a tarantula walked into the room, I would probably freak out...but Im better. Im not afraid of most spiders now. Heh, I was even taking a bath with two of them right above me on the ceiling. This little baby one kept creeping closer and closer to the water....until he fell in and I had to save him. Okay so Im done talking about spiders. Fourth change that I find really neat, Im very much now a humanitarian and also into organic stuff....especally essential oils and their mystifying power. Im a humanitarian because I don't like killing things and would much rather help than harm them. Fifth, I LOVE MYSELF!!!! That has to be the most important change..I really accept all aspects of me and just overall more gentle on myself in mind, body and spirit. Playing off of that, I also have an appreciation for anatomy and physiology as well as energy, chakras, and eastern beliefs. Its very interesting when applied to the overall universe and world around us. Sixth, Im a pagan spirit for sure and I've gained such an appreciation for nature and all aspects of it. True I've been exposed to the utter beauty of it in Ithaca, but just overall...nature is so amazing. Little things too, like the sound of individual birds, shapes of clouds, signs in the water, the smell of fresh water (especally @ the falls), squirells and their plot to take over the universe, the smell after it rains, the phases of the moon, and sun! The bright brillant sun!! So much more...but Im just appreciating it a whole lot more.
K I think thats enough of all that love thyself stuff. Who wants to hear how my writing is going?? Well it was more or less inconsistant while I was in school. But my supernovel has reached Pt 3..which is 7 chapters into it. However when I edit I will need to condense and combine things. But as it stands Im seven chappies into it and it's getting really good. I'm at a point where Katiaya..now age 18...is reunited with her lover who got trapped in a dimension, but found his way back to her and is told by a fortune teller to go take her place as sorceress. She has been more or less out of comission due to being attacked by her arch nemesis Brundis. Her lover, Thomas, rescues her and takes her far away where he could help her recover. Now a couple months later, Katiaya is called back and it's urgent. What danger, adventure, romance lurkes in Kienka..awaiting their return? Umm well I have plans..but Im not telling. haha. It's all part of the writers code. You never reveal your secrets....or is that the magicans code? Maybe we share the same one. I've also slightly worked on my snipets...I do like this one that involves mermaids. Its sorta creepy actually, but it's fun to work on periodically. Well Im gonna go and actually work on it for alittle while. I must say thats one of the upsides of being home...I get to write again:-)
Later:-)
Xoxoxo mood:  much better music: 'Hide and Seek'-Imogen Heap |
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| (no subject) |
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05:54pm 30/06/2009 |
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I'm offically back in Binghamton now and I REALLY don't like it!! I have got to let all this negative energy out before I explode. Everything was so happy and wonderful in Ithaca. Even the times in which I felt emotions taking over, though I do believe it was just all of the pressure with school, clinics, living on my own...all of that lovely stuff. I lived walking distance from a fanominal park with a gigantic waterfall, tons of trails to explore, and just...gorgeous. That was just ONE of the amazing parks that I had the pleasure of finding. There's this one in which there's a trail that goes adjacent to the lake. So close that you could see the boaters go by and even talk to the rowers. I even tried to hitchhike boats into taking me tubing....that idea did not quite work out unfortunately. These parks were so beautiful that I was under the impression that it was the manifested beauty of the Gods and Goddesses all around me...and that was in the winter time when it wasn't nearly as warm or pretty. Many times I have stated that I believed Ithaca was a story book world..which I still standby. I mean I went to school in a castle, I spotted a magic wishing well on my way to the park and it just looks so clique to that of a faerie tale. The beauty of Ithaca is not the only thing that I will miss. Today I even said to my sibs that I missed being in school. How many people can say that. Because as sad as it is, I do. Sure I liked the first week after graduation all to myself, where I got to sleep in, enjoy the parks, recreation, and shared good times with friends, but now I just find myself bored. Binghamton does not have waterfalls, my friends around here more or less stink, and I can't even get 1 hr to myself in order to study for the boards I have to take in August. More of the truth being, I liked who I was when I was living on my own and free to make my own choices and do as I please. I embraced parts of my being that I didn't even know existed. Who would have guessed that I was less of a city girl at heart and actually more of a naturesque flower child with a thirst for adventure and beauty. I got to be my true self...as spontenous, unique, bubbly, pagan, childlike and imaginative..as I wanted to be. And I wasn't afraid of who saw it. Infact I didn't care if certain people didn't like me or that my hips turned in when I walked...at least I can. Most of all I loved myself. I really truly did. Sure self and I had our disagreements and dark times, but I had enough love to make up for it. Another tidbit that I fould interesting was that I attracted types of people that I wanted to almost be like and over time absorbed some of their qualities. And dude it was so much fun having friends like that. I mean REALLY..week before graduation I got hurt cliff jumping..how many people can brag..well complain about that? Nothing serious, just some large purple bruises that are for the most part gone now. I also went up on the school roof, danced the night away at Wed night Karaoke, swam during a thunder storm, raided Wegmens at 2:00AM, got to dress in long flowy skirts, and so much more. Plus the joy of getting a massage daily is something Im surely going to miss. I'm really sorry Im complaining like this. It's just why must good things come to an end? Especally when it's a VERY good thing for you? During the course of these passed three days, I would often thing that Ithaca was just an illusion and none of this really did happen, because it was so good. But then I look at my burgandy bedspread that goes spectacularily with my light purple bedroom( not really) and sigh sadly. And the last day on school really impacted my heart, mind and spirit in such a wonderful way that I can't even describe. It's even hard for me to put into words how...magical it really was. It made me feel such a love that I had never experienced ever in my life and I don't think I could ever let go of that feeling or let anything replace it. I mean the school itself was nothing like my passed experiences with it. The teacher actually did care about you and WANTED every single person to understand the material before moving on. Not one of them did I hate or even dislike. Sure I have my favorites, but the education I recieved at FLSM was absolutely invaliable and will benefit me eternally. I'd have to say my favorite classes were Energy Palpation, Shiatsu, Essentilal Oils, Hydrotherapy and A&P..yes A&P, I loved the way it was taught and it REALLY became an interest of mine. Kines was alittle hard, but now it's like WOW I know 105 muscles and 192 bones...I've learned them all in SIX months. AND I absolutely LOVED GIVING massages...yes and recieving too. But when giving I felt like I had such a wonderful power and really truly wanted to help the clients, yet also felt really good about my work. Energy work is definately a favorite techinique of mine...it almost feels like magic. It's like the power of intention and focus is everything and if you intent hard enough great things will happen. Though a couple times I've actually intercepted or absorbed a person ailment...once again nothing serious...just minor stomach aches or headaches. I gave an almost full energy session to one of my teachers and I felt absolutely fabulous about it...turns out she LOVED it. That had to be my most favorite clinic session of the whole programme. Hey, writing all this is actually helping me feel better. Maybe all I needed was to brain dump alittle and let my emotions and feelings out. I filled a rather large hard covered journal with my experiences and it now sits in my memory drawer. I don't know maybe I'm just sad that I had to leave Ithaca and bored with the mundanity of everyday life. Maybe I just miss school...even getting up in the morning. Haha last Friday I crashed at my friends house and didn't fall asleep until 5:30AM and then woke up at 1PM. I was in such a daze the remainder of the day and night. I wasted so much of that day sleepin and vegging out. Ughh, how embarressing, But it was definately a great night and I blame part of my day slumber on the "Golden Compass'. To be honest it really wasn't that bad...not bad at all actually! From the reviews I heard, I expected something absolutely dreadful, but I actually found it very entertaining! I liked it! So thats part of the reason why I didn't sleep until 5:30. Point being, I miss the routine of getting up for school at nine, seeing my friends, 3 hour class, lunch either outside, hospital cafeteria or somewhere else, getting a hug from my friend, 3 hr class again, and then possible clinic until 7PM. I'm not one for structure, however I like being busy and stimulated...and well these passed few days I've felt...bored. Like a bird who was trying its wings and enjoying life until it's suddenly shoved into a cage. Thats what I feel like. I wish it were different, but lets be honest I knew this was going to happen..that I was going to love it in Ithaca and not want to come back. mood:  sad music: Micheal Jackson |
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| Update! |
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02:44pm 29/12/2008 |
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To be honest, I really wasn't sure how to title this entry. The last thing that I left you with was the day of my friend's funeral and last day of work. Well I couldn't be happier that Im finished with it! Seriously, it's so refreshing having time to myself. In exactly one week it'll be my first day of massage school..whoohoo. Im offically moving to Ithaca on Friday and currently getting everything together and buying last minite necessities. Im getting more and more excited by the thought of living on my own and starting a new aspect of life. It'll be exciting. It's a tad scary, but I'll get used to it Im sure.
Onto the holidays...they went alright. I had tons of good food like shrimp, scallops, fries, french onion soup, steak, cheesecake, mash with shrimp and green beans. Yeah yeah tis the season not to worry about calories okay? Everyone loved the gifts that I gave them..I was most proud of a snow globe that played music and had color changing lights and glitter. It's sooo pretty! I liked it myself and figured my Nana would like that since she's into fancy things. I myself recieved a digital camera, clothes, a tiny makeup set that has secret compartments and fits right into my purse, a fuzzy cozy red blanket, soft fur slippers, and so much more. I love everything! However we had to cut our celebration short because my Nana wasn't feeling very well and just weak. Turns out she most definately has cirrosis of the liver and has been bloating, retaining water, has fever, goes number 3(if you know what I mean) and just very very weak. She's been in the hospital since Friday and today her stomach pumped and a couple tests done. Tomorrow, she has a biopsy because they found some sort of mass in her liver and pancreas and they may be a chance of cancer. Which I hope with all my might that she does not have that. So that darkened the holidays alittle. Mum hasn't been able to think of anything else but that and has been sad alot. Hopefully everything will turn out well for my nana and she'll be alright.
Lets see...oh yeah and during a party we were playing a grab bag gift exchange game and I ended up with the coolest gift ever. Its a reindeer whom I called Dancer who sings 'Feliz Navidad' and dances really energeticly. He's sooo cute and if you pick him up by his head or neck..he starts squealing and almost crying. He continues to bring a smile to my face every time that I see him and he's coming to Ithaca with me to keep me company. He's actually one of my 'favorite' presents and the perfect 'toy' for me. Thought I'd like to share that. So other than getting together with family for the holiday, I've mostly been getting ready to leave for my apartment. I've also been writing quite a bit too. I've had a serious case of 'The Writer's Disease' and made some progress on my supernovel. In addition Im already thinking of ways to edit the earlier chapters of it and also writing alternate versions of them. So writing has been definately keeping me busy and will continue to. The first few days that I move into my apartment, I will have no cable...so tv is out and Im not too sure on the internet access, but basicly I'll have to make my own fun without internet or cable. That's easy enough thanks to my writers disease and love for reading. I don't even watch all that much tv as there is. Tomorrow is my last day of skating for this year..waah waah! Oh well, just make the best of it I suppose. Maybe tomorrow I'll land my double sal or double toe loop. And Im hoping everyone will be there tomorrow. Especally my coach, I'd really like to land my double sal and show her my 'it's possible' spin. She says no one can do, but I can:-) I also hope my BFSC jacket will be finished and brought in. That'll be fun to wear that around Ithaca and represent. Though I wonder...what if my new Ithaca friends want me to skate with them? Perhaps I could do that. But no more skating every week or the competitive stuff for a while. My main focus has to be school..it's something Im sure I can do.
Oh well, best I go now. Im running out of highlights, but I'll be sure to update soon!
Later:-) mood: happy music: None right now |
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| Last day of work! |
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03:26pm 19/12/2008 |
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Firstly, I thought you would all like to know that Im doing so much better than I had been the passed couple days. Today was the funeral, but even despite that, I was feeling much more myself and less like a basketcase thats about to burst into tears every five seconds. I think it's due to something rather strange that happened very early this morning. Last night, I was crying for alittle bit and then calmed myself down by reading a book. I then started thinking of it as she's not REALLY gone...now she's with me all the time..in my memories and thoughts. And then for a strange reason, at 4AM I started getting the most horrible headache. Its like all my sad, angry and negative energy manifested itself as a pounding headache on the right side of my head. It was so bad that I had to drag myself out of bed and take some excedrin. After that it just sort of went away along with all my gloominess. Not sure what caused it, but when I came down stairs all set for the funeral, I really didn't feel any dread or depression. The funeral itself was very nice and I knew despite the fact that I was feeling overall better, that I was going to cry. Oh boy did I! Always at the same point..when they carry to coffin out of the church for the final time. It always hits me then. But then after, I was back to being my normal self. And it was nice seeing my H.S friends and catching up with them alittle. We're planning on getting together before I go to Ithaca which will be very nice and I hope to all the Guardians watching over me that I doesn't fall through. Anywho, I have a WHOPPING six checkins on my final day of work and not even an hour has passed..WHOOHOO! Basicly it's all due ot a major snow storm that started 10 o clock and still coming down. We have at least 7 inches of snow and as I said it's still coming down. So it's going to be slow and peaceful...at least I hope...oh please, oh please! Dont worry, I've brought and have plenty to do. You see, while I was being a basketcase.I felt no motivation to write, study, or anything. I was a mess, but today I brought my Fundementals of Theraputic Massage book, already planning out scenes to write for my super novel, and other things to keep me busy and occupied. Im so glad to be feeling 'myself' again and no longer depressed. My friend is spiritually with me all the time and we've made fantastic memories. We must think of it as, we'll be apart for alittle while...but sooner or later we'll be together again..happy and free...just like we used to. And as I said this has really helped me value the life that Im given and to cherish it always. You can even think of it as this person is now a Guardian or angel or reincarnated or whatever your religion calls for and they're with us that way too. Plus as I said, as sad as the situation was, I was very glad to see my friends and H.S. classmates again and be able to converse. Think about it, if this didn't happen, we'd be going about our seperate lives and not really think of one another. Death in some sense brings people closer together than ever before. I know that Catherine wants us all to get back together and spend good times together. Which i really hope our little 'post Christmas' party will not fall through and we can get as many people as we can to come. I do hope the snow clears by tomorrow morning, I would like to go skating..however now that work is pretty much over, I can go whenever I want. Mum was thinking that I was going to say bye to everyone tomorrow. I was like NO next Saturday I will. Thats my offical last day of skating is next Saturday. From now until then I can go pretty much any time I want. I think the snow is starting to slow down..even stop, but it really depends on road conditions in the morning. If the roads are somewhat clear and not too slippery, then I'll most likely go, but if they're not plowed or snowing like this then I won't. I'll have plenty of time to see my friends and skate and perhaps land my F!%^in 2sal or axel. I really want to, I've been doing perfect axels in the most random of places and time. Random note: my nail just broke, so bad that it started bleeding. I dont like wearing bandaids so Im pretty much holding a tissue to it periodically to try and stop the bleeding. Stupid nail. Anywhoo, I guess that's all I have to say for now. I'll update soon. Later:-) mood: better music: Let It snow |
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04:25pm 17/12/2008 |
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Im feeling alot better today overall, yet when I told my boss and co workers what had happened..I did start crying. Ughh it is just so embarressing! I hate crying in public especally work. Though when I cry my eyes turn bright green and sparkle. I wish my eyes were really that color without the weird redness and tears rolling down my face. I remember being in math class in 10th grade and my contacts were acting up. I went to the bathroom to you know correct the situation and my friend(the one who died) was also in the bathroom and thought my eyes looked soooo pretty. I told her that was due to irriation, but thanks. Come to think of it, she has always accused me of wearing contacts..ever since I was 9 or 10 yrs old. I kept telling her I didn't...at least until high school. That was always funny. Oh she was funny alright, we did the weirdest of things together. For example at sleepovers we used to do sayonces and made up this creepy figure known as..the black thing. He was supposively a black mass with glowing red eyes..the spirit of some guy named Uncle Sam who died of a sugar problem. The signs fo this 'black thing' were a rattling fence, train horns, and black dogs. We used to get so freaked out by this 'black thing' and would do things like candy man and bloody mary in the mirror. I remember one time when we actually thought we saw something at a sleepover at my house. We were doing it in my family room and we thought we saw something and raced into my nearby kitchen screaming loudly. Ahh that was fun. My lil sis never really got into that stuff. But yeah, it's been a much better day, though I do still feel rather gloomy. Tomorrow is going to be hard because it's the wake. I was supposed to work..remember how I was so mad that i had to work during the party..well now I have to go to a wake instead. Not exactly what I was hoping for when I said I didn't want to work and was looking for an excuse to get out of it. But my work people have been very supported as are some of my friends. Shout out to Dragonfly: You were seriously tremedous at supporting me through these hard times and I really truly appreciate it!! Thank you once again! So Im at work now and man theres a weird smell. Its the weekly managers reception today and he's making stuffed shells/raviolis. I like raviolis, but they smell rather bad right now. Oh yeah and my 'german b/f' asked me out yesterday. Now lets think back on when I said I only wanted to be friends and this sort of thing always happens when Im being nice and social to someone. I should have known this would happen. Techically Im not allowed to date a guest..as an employee here and second I really dont like him that way. Theres no way a relationship would ever work...never mind I simply said I had plans and that was that. The guy likes to stare at me for long moments and yeah he's soooo into me. He gave me a scoll from a Japanese resteraunt...I was like ummm thanks. I mean I like him on a friend level, but no more than that. Its funt o joke around with him and try to understand what he's saying. And maybe as I friend I'll give him a peck on the cheek, but thats it.
Oh yes and I got a new cellphone today! My mum got it off of Ebay..hehe. Its light pink and very functional. I get internet and a car charger with it and also I get to keep my old number. So I guess that's always nice. I have to literally depend on it while in Ithaca so I might as well get used to having it all the time. The person we bought it off of seemed to be a big fan of Madonna and betty boop. No complaints I like Madonna...she's my all time favorite singer ever since I was little. I just found it really funny because theres a big picture of Madonna in the background. Well i guess thats about all the news I have for today.
Later:-)
mood: better music: christmas music |
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03:53pm 16/12/2008 |
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I have to let this out before I burst into tears here at work. I cried pretty much the last two hours and I REALLY dont want to here. I have issues with crying in public and it's quite the challenge not to. Especally when you come into work out of dress code(my choice) and informed your boss that I didn't have time to wash my warm shirts because of a serious situation at home and having her not even bother to ask what it was or anything. No she was more concerned about my shirt being out of dress code!! I seriously wanted to take her by the collar and shake her and tell her "my F*in best friend just died! Grow a heart for almighty sake!" Yes regretfully it's true, one of my dear friends that i had since elementry school died this morning in a car crash. i was informed of this event two hour ago by my aunt Chris. Apparently her and her friend drove off the road and crashed into two trees. Most likely it was due to drinking way too much, but we're not entirely sure about that yet. My friend was one of those wild types and was very much into the whole drinking phase and some people think she asked for it. Perhaps she did, but it's very sad that her 'wake up call' had to kill her in the end. I'm going to miss her so very much. Yes she was wild, yet she had such likeable qualities and fun to be around(when she wasn't drinking). As sad as this situation is, I must remain strong and continue to live my life the fullest. Though I probably will never drink again...honestly alcohol has ruined too many people that I know and are dear to me. I must take this moment and learn and grow from it. Afterall death isn't always a bad thing. I just feel so bad for her family as disfunctional as they were..they loved her very much and were very proud of her. Her memory will be carried on by all those who love her so she will never be forgotten or unloved. Im not sure when her funeral is, but my whole family and I will be going to it and most likely I will be bawling my eyes out. So that put sort of a damper on my day and it makes me think about what really matters in life. Honestly it is very short and there isn't alot of time. You never know when fate is going to reach out and snatch you from the world. Things like family, friendships, joy, always learning, memories, creating memories, goodtimes, sometimes bad times, love, and the real nitty gritty stuff that effects the heart, mind and soul are what really matters. It seems our society and concrete world is trying to distract us all from it. Like something simple as being in uniform. Does it REALLY matter? Are people going to die if I dont wear the circus style Hampton shirt? No. I feel alot more comfortable and therefore will be more personal with guests. And to be honest being out of dress code makes me feel more....me. I feel more professional in this rather than tacky striped shirts, neon green golf shirts, and cartigans that dont properly fit me and hang on me like a scarecrow. But thats the point Im trying to make...who the hell cares if Im in dress code or not. Is it really life threatening?? And stupid things like money, drugs, economy, war, and you know all the crappy stuff about our society is whats really distracting us from the real point of life. I dont know about anyone else, but Im going to live my life fullest. Its too short to be worrying, regret and negativity. There's no need for it and these subtle nuisenses that drag most people down really dont matter at all. They're subtle and meaningless and a waste of energy to be angered or stressed out over. I mean Im sure there will be times when we do feel the need to be stressed and angered, but its not worth living a life that way and then regretting it in the end. I don't know about you, but Im willing to live my life joyfully and the way it's meant to be. Well Im feeling alittle better, plus my coworker has been entertaining me and making me laugh. Its a good way to distract myself and really I shouldn't mourn too much. Yes it's fine to cry and mourn alittle, but its better to push myself to move on and continue to live life. I really hope their families for both girls are doing okay and will find comfort very soon! I knew her friend...the driver. I've meet her a couple times at various parties and had a good time hanging out with her too...playing with hoops and singing. They'll both be in my memories eternally and I'll miss them alot! Rest In Peace- Catherine & Madison, I will miss you both very much!!! mood: depressed music: I remember you- Sarah McCalin |
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celt_princess7's journal